Untitled [9/22/09 @ 9:58 PM]

At many points in my life,
I expect to be delirious, devestateed, and disappointed.

In July, the girl I loved so,
The girl I snuck peeks at during costume changes
The girl I held hands with
The girl who held me when I watched RENT for the first time
and cried like a baby (I cried, not she)
In July, she told me how her body would foster anothers
Another tiny human, growing inside of her
And God, does she love her boyfriend.
Then, I was delirious.
For a month, I walked around in a haze
Not seeing, hearing, feeling anything
But the cold wind that slips through the cracks of my window pane.

On Wednesday, I felt the Sun.

On Thursday, my mother called me and told me my grandmother
My grandmother who I shoveled a driveway for
My grandmother who fed me nothing but root beer and ice cream sandwiches in the summer
My grandmother who cried out "That's my granddaughter!" when I sang the solo at my chorus concert in fourh grade
My grandmother who I watched leave with a sad look in her eyes, not to see for as years
My grandmother had died in the hospital.
Then, I was devestated.
Taken off the tube,
Told she was free
But as a butterfly's wings fold, my grandmother's heart stopped
It's ancient wizened beat
Leaving me to feel nothing but the snow flying through the cracks of my window pane.

On Monday, I felt the Sun.

On Tuesday, I prepped myself for disaster when would ask Him out,
He who I have known for one, two, three years
He who is kind and gentle and amazing
He who doesn't laugh at his bandmates perverted jokes
He who is the first guy I've liked in year
He will surely say no, because who the hell am I anyway?
But he says yes, we'll hang out at the football game, ca it a date

And God, the Sun is so strong I could burst.


Twenty minutes afterward, He
He who I trusted
He who held my heart in his hands
He, simply, squeezed.
"My giirlfriend will be there too."
And I'm still grinning like I expect him to kiss me or hold my hand or at least not take my heart and
SQUEEZE
But he does and all I can feel is the rain pelting my window pane.

I have been devastated, delirious, and now I have been disappointed.
When will the Sun come this time?